Going in Circles

Just waiting for mom to get ready -- I'm again about to go back to Manila to work. Just another manic Monday.

I am unsure what my facination is with circles or dots or anything round. When I doodle, I usually start off with circles and from there, I just let my pen draw by itself. And when I'm checking out really colorful designs at the mall -- say I'm at the part of the department store where they have things for the house? Usually they have really colorful place mats there with modern, abstract designs. Guess what kind of design I first pick? The one with dots, swirls, curves and curlycues.

Just random thoughts. Mom's here. Finally.

The day you went away...

I sometimes think about me and think about what I have become after everything that’s happened to me. I guess there are days when you really feel down and alone and scared. When I have these feelings, I imagine myself walking on the beach alone, just enjoying the wind and the sand on my feet. Trying my best to look that I am enjoying what I’m doing, but deep down, I’m broken into pieces.

Argh. I don’t want to get back to that old drama-queen me. I become like this when I feel isolated and alone and lonely. I do some self-pitying here and there until I get to realize that it’s not really worth thinking this way. Is it a stage? I’m not really sure – but it’s been a long time since I felt this … alone-ness.

Maybe I’m tired. I’ve never rested ever since I graduated from college. I studied the board, took the board, didn’t pass it, looked for a job and after a month of looking, I got me my first job in my first call center. 3 years in there and I transferred to another call center in Makati where I only rested for the weekend and started working on a Monday. Same old story where I’m working now. Does this mean I’m a workaholic? I don’t think I am.

The other day I found myself playing music too loudly than usual – I wanted to drown myself with the music because I really felt so sad. A lot of things were going through my head that day and I can’t just couldn’t take it and deal with it … so I played really loud. It helped a bit really … plus, I get to focus on my work by drowning my worries with music and my busy-ness.

What’s bugging me, you ask? I realized lately that I’m still trying desperately to hold on to something that isn’t there anymore. It hurt a lot (when I realized it again, for the Nth-f*ckin time!), knowing that despite the fact that he is comfortable and (hopefully) happy while we’re together, he’s into someone else. Despite the hugs and time together, I finally realized that it’s time to just leave it. What really made me sad is that I knew that this time, this is really IT. I have finally freed myself from him. I love him, but he can’t keep making me feel like he doesn’t know that I love him very much. I really do, but if his heart is somewhere else, then, I have to find my own happiness too. To just let him live how he wants to live and that I moved on like I should have years ago.

It’s really sad to think about it. It’s bad that I kept hoping all these years, that someday, he’ll realize that it’s really me he loves among the others who came into his life… but I guess I’m just delusional. One day, I’ll find someone who will really love me like crazy. Heal my wounds by loving me as I deserve to be loved. No more bullshit words of love that didn’t come from the heart.

Really, I’m hopeful. Sad that I will have to live my life without him to think of… but then again, if he has plans for someone else, why can’t I plan for mine? I don’t think ‘being friends’ will ever work between us. I will continue hoping if I keep spending time with him. So it’s time.

It took me almost 3 years to realize this? I should’ve known. That day he left me in the airport, I should’ve already moved on for good. Well, life has full of regrets. And we learn the hard way.