The day you went away...

I sometimes think about me and think about what I have become after everything that’s happened to me. I guess there are days when you really feel down and alone and scared. When I have these feelings, I imagine myself walking on the beach alone, just enjoying the wind and the sand on my feet. Trying my best to look that I am enjoying what I’m doing, but deep down, I’m broken into pieces.

Argh. I don’t want to get back to that old drama-queen me. I become like this when I feel isolated and alone and lonely. I do some self-pitying here and there until I get to realize that it’s not really worth thinking this way. Is it a stage? I’m not really sure – but it’s been a long time since I felt this … alone-ness.

Maybe I’m tired. I’ve never rested ever since I graduated from college. I studied the board, took the board, didn’t pass it, looked for a job and after a month of looking, I got me my first job in my first call center. 3 years in there and I transferred to another call center in Makati where I only rested for the weekend and started working on a Monday. Same old story where I’m working now. Does this mean I’m a workaholic? I don’t think I am.

The other day I found myself playing music too loudly than usual – I wanted to drown myself with the music because I really felt so sad. A lot of things were going through my head that day and I can’t just couldn’t take it and deal with it … so I played really loud. It helped a bit really … plus, I get to focus on my work by drowning my worries with music and my busy-ness.

What’s bugging me, you ask? I realized lately that I’m still trying desperately to hold on to something that isn’t there anymore. It hurt a lot (when I realized it again, for the Nth-f*ckin time!), knowing that despite the fact that he is comfortable and (hopefully) happy while we’re together, he’s into someone else. Despite the hugs and time together, I finally realized that it’s time to just leave it. What really made me sad is that I knew that this time, this is really IT. I have finally freed myself from him. I love him, but he can’t keep making me feel like he doesn’t know that I love him very much. I really do, but if his heart is somewhere else, then, I have to find my own happiness too. To just let him live how he wants to live and that I moved on like I should have years ago.

It’s really sad to think about it. It’s bad that I kept hoping all these years, that someday, he’ll realize that it’s really me he loves among the others who came into his life… but I guess I’m just delusional. One day, I’ll find someone who will really love me like crazy. Heal my wounds by loving me as I deserve to be loved. No more bullshit words of love that didn’t come from the heart.

Really, I’m hopeful. Sad that I will have to live my life without him to think of… but then again, if he has plans for someone else, why can’t I plan for mine? I don’t think ‘being friends’ will ever work between us. I will continue hoping if I keep spending time with him. So it’s time.

It took me almost 3 years to realize this? I should’ve known. That day he left me in the airport, I should’ve already moved on for good. Well, life has full of regrets. And we learn the hard way.