DE-stressing.

It has been weeks since I have been stressed out -- job is easy, yet, there's a lot of stress that comes with it. Little things like worrying about a particular agent's attendance or why he always comes in late or what needs to be done with particular situations only the supes think about.

Baby, you just think that we're not doing anything but admin work, go to meetings, roll out new policies-- it ain't easy coping with the stress that goes with it. For months, I really felt so old. (i AM old, but i feel older!)

And not only that-- there are other personal things. Besides worrying about myself, I have to worry about my sister, who I live with, who seems to be not home most of the time. We don't see each other much these days, so what she does with her life, I don't know anymore. And it frightens me sometimes with the decisions she make for herself, knowing in my mind that she's still young.

Funny, I'm acting like my mom. Can't blame me, I'm supposed to be the "ate" (older sister) who's supposed to be looking after her. I am, the eldest you know. And she, the youngest of the brood. I *should* be looking after her.

A friend told me to just leave her alone and let her live her life -- but then again, how will she know if she's doing the right thing if the she can't even listen to family who's worrying about her? Imagine going home alone every single day and she, not finding the time (or finding a way) to talk or spend time with me.

And this reminds me -- more and more, I keep spending time alone. I go home with no one to talk to, so I just sleep. Then I wake up, still alone, get ready for work, walk a bit to Barancca Drive and ride the taxi, arrive at the office and start working.

AND, by the way. I also worry about my LOVE LIFE. If you call it that.

Argh. It's not that I'm complaining, but ....

Haaaaaay.

(What a life! What a loner! )

See? STRESS!

Everyday, I keep worrying about the same things over and over again, with only a few really close friends to tell my woes to and sometimes even deciding to just keep it all to myself.
If I was a glass, I can be spilling out water now -- too overwhelmed and tired with all this to even try to pour out the unnecessary water.

So -- the idea of a vacation was becoming more and more vivid with everything that's going on with my so-called life. I daydreamed a lot about where to go (with my limited funds!) -- will it be Cebu? (So I can visit my friends there) or Boracay? (If I choose to go there, I can't just go alone?) or Baguio? (Will Pryor go with me?) or should I go some place where I haven't gone to yet?

And I learned that Abby was also interested in going somewhere. We started planning --and decided that we go to a beach. The idea of stargazing, listening to the waves, playing with water and snorkeling was enough to get us excited. We decided to go to LaLuz.

I filed for a 7-day vacation, but if you count my restdays, it's a 10-day vacation! Über-excited with just the idea of what to do with my vacation, it kept me motivated to keep worrying about things and thinking about where else to go.

Things got *really* crazy after that.

the possibilities of us.

A friend and me were talking the other night and I told her about a dream I had:

"All of our friends were at a bar, and he was there. I was sitting on a stool, he was standing beside me, leaning on my right thigh. Everyone was dancing to the music, the place was jampacked. But we had our own world-- he was just looking at me, like I'm the only person he can see. And he moved his face closer to mine... and then we started kissing..."

and then I woke up.

And she asked: "Is that it?"

I said: "Yeah, I'm too tired to do anything or make any move."

"So pababayaan mo na lang na ganyan? Sabagay, ganon na lang nga siguro dapat. no expectations na lang.. para less hurt."

"I dont want to make the move again -- if it'll be coming from him, sure, mas maganda, at least alam ko na sure na sya nun. Pero kung ako lang, I'm sure it'll be another one way street, so hahayaan ko nalang. Nakakapagod din eh, yung di na-aappreciate lahat ng ginagawa mo, diba?"

All signs show that there MAY be a possibility of us, but the truth is...

there isn't any possibility.

in big, bold, red (whoops, orange!) letters.

*sigh*