melancholia can drive you nuts!

I just went home from work that night and I was able to watch Friends on cable. It was that episode about Ross getting married to Emily in London and they were spending some time writing out invitations to their guests, on their Wedding day.

There was this scene when Ross was writing Rachel's name on the envelope and then he handed it to Emily. Then Emily said something about everything being 'awkward' in case she'll be there. Ross just replied and said that she's been a good friend and that she should be invited. When that time came when Ross was about to drop the invite to the mailbox, he suddenly had these flashbacks about their times together. He thought about how much he loved her.

Then this scene when the group was all at Monica's apartment, Phoebe, Monica, Chandler and Joey. They all got their invites that day and they were thinking about how they would keep the invites from Rachel, to save her from the heartache. In comes Rachel and she sorted through her mail. She pulled out what seems to be an invite and everyone was uncomfortable about it, saying that they should have kept the invites from the apartment. Rachel said,

"Oh, an invitation on Ross' wedding day."

Everyone was curious if she was going or not. Then another scene on that coffee shop, Rachel contemplating if she should go to the wedding or not.... then she remembers ALL the good times they had together, realizing that she too, still loves him.

After all those flashbacks, she said loudly: "No, I won't be going to the wedding." Then she checked the NO option on the RSVP card and sent it out.

As I watched Friends, I cried for myself. His face suddenly popped up in my mind and thought, what if, he gets married before me? Will I be able to take it? The thought of that just drives me crazy. It's bull to say that "If you really love someone, set him free...", no matter how you put it, it'll definitely hurt a lot. I mean, sure, if he has this girlfriend now, it's okay because there *is* still a possibility that they'll break up. It's not even about 'egos' or something. It's all about feelings. Maybe, if he'll get married, it's best that he's somewhere else or that I don't learn about it. I'll continue living my life and not think about how much I loved (and still love?) him. Those memories that are so special that it breaks my heart thinking about how it didn't work out.

Sigh. I have too many questions in my mind that has no answers to them. Nobody has the answers. I'd like to say that actions do speak louder than words.

I don't know what to do, really. I don't even know if I'm waiting for him, still. I don't know why I act like that around him. I just don't.

I'm clueless.