Shooting....loops.

I am in that loop again. I realized how vulnerable I was – I can easily turn off how I feel and then all in one split second, I’m back in that situation. I guess I haven’t really totally moved on. I still feel so strongly for him.

A few weeks back I would be totally in control of how I feel. I don’t know if it’s my fault because I keep spending time with him. Thinking back, it can be totally our fault – we like spending time with each other, talking and hanging out, and this is the consequence.

What hurts most is that all of this is happening and he doesn’t do anything to talk about it. I don’t know what’s worse – him not talking about it or pretending that nothing’s happening. That all of this is nothing for him. I know him enough to know that he’s just not the kind who talks about these things easily, that’s probably why I’m still waiting for him to talk about him and me. IF there is anything to talk about at all.

I don’t want to initiate any talk about it. I guess both of us are pretty scared of losing each other. I remember being at this precise situation back then, with him. How funny.

I go crazy sometimes thinking that it’ll never work out between us – he’s engaged and he obviously loves her. He’s not the kind to take advantage of me – so what’s the explanation for the time he’s investing in me? What’s the reason for the hugging, the holding of hands, the taking care of me when I was sick, sleeping beside each other…?

I have a feeling that these questions will never be answered. Unless I do something about it. I guess I’m not just not ready to lose him. I know, deep in my heart, that when I talk about all of this to him, I’ll be losing him forever.

What’s more difficult – losing him forever or just wondering what is it between the two of us?

I toldya I was on a loop.

Can I just say that shit happens?