Think Tank

Dead for 23 Hours

2011-10-15T06:19:00.000+08:00

This is a testimony of an Ecuadorian girl named Angelika, who died for 23 hours -- Jesus showed heaven and hell. In hell, she saw the Pope, Selena, Michael Jackson.

Hope you find the time to read this:

http://dcicons.org/forum/topics/angelica-zambrano-dead-for

~Yan

2011-10-13T20:36:00.000+08:00

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

The Book of Days

2011-02-03T09:26:00.000+08:00

"All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:16b (NIV)

Devotion:
They say that smell is the sense most linked to memory. And I know this to be true. The earthy aroma of geraniums transports me to a porch in west Texas where my grandmother tended flowers with the hands that had worked the land her entire life. I see her, water hose dangling from her fingers, spraying the heat and dust from the cobblestone patio. Washing away the residue of a hot afternoon.

The memories of my childhood are bound up in a woman whose name, Ellen, means "shining light." Yet most of those memories are now forgotten to her. Stolen by an illness that I once called "Old Timers Disease." And she laughed at that, back then, when I was all elbows and knees and teeth. Back when she told me that her father suffered from Alzheimer's. The thief of memory.

The diagnosis came early last fall, just as her flower garden began to die, the red petals of her geraniums crisping around the edges, falling away. I now live the great sadness of seeing her slip into the haze of Alzheimer's, that shining light in her eyes replaced by confusion. And I wonder where her memories go.

Shelling peas with her grandchildren on the back porch.
Cracking open a watermelon and teaching me to spit the seeds across the yard.
Burying her second child, a little girl named Kathy, at the age of three.
Her wrinkled hand tracing the lines of Amazing Grace as we stand and sing the benediction.
Weddings and funerals and the births of grandchildren.
Her own husband of forty-plus years, gone on before her.

All these precious moments of a life falling away, like petals in an autumn frost. Is God catching them as they escape her mind? Holding them in His palm? Does He record them with a tender hand, each memory pressed between the pages of time? Will they one day be restored to her? Do our memories belong to us alone, or are they so special to God that He takes pains to keep track of each and every one?

In Psalm 139:16 we read the startling truth that every moment of our lives has been recorded by a knowing God. "Your eyes saw my unformed body; in Your book all my days were recorded, even those which were purposed before they had come into being."

God has already written down every moment of my grandmother's life in His book. He's done the same for me and for you as well. Our moments are precious to Him. The times we've knelt in prayer and shouted in praise. Tears and laughter. Celebration and sorrow. None will be lost forever. Not by us and certainly not by the God who ordered each moment before we were even born.

This spring I will fill my back patio with geraniums and I will inhale the scent of my grandmother. I will remember for her, until the day she sits beside her Lord and He opens His book to read the story of Ellen, a woman whose light shines brightly.

Dear Lord, thank You that my days are not forgotten to You. Each one is so important that You wrote it down, with Your own hand. My name is in Your book and Your love is written across every page of my life. For all the days that I have left, may I remember Your with the same passion that You remember me.

Power Verses:

1Chronicles 16:15, "He remembers his covenant forever, the promise he made, for a thousand generations." (NIV)

Psalm 25:6, "Remember, LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old." (NIV)

Psalm 42:4, "These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng." (NIV)

There's no reason to be afraid :)

2011-01-25T09:34:00.000+08:00

Psalm 91:14-16: "The Lord says, 'I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation.'" (NLT)

Boracay in November

2010-11-30T12:38:00.002+08:00

Just went there over the weekend. First time to go there at this time of the year - kind of weird because it was windy. It isn't the same like before. Too many people - a mix of different kinds of people. It felt like like there's no "exclusivity" anymore. Of course we had to enjoy the time since we're already there. It's still life in the beach,the Bora way -- party, food and lots of relaxation time. It's time to look for a great beach. Any suggestions? :)

YOU know what I Need :)

2010-10-08T08:58:00.000+08:00

Dear Lord, I believe that You are the giver of life and Lord over all things. Thank You for providing me with exactly what I need, even though it isn't always what I may want. I trust that You have my best interest in mind today. I desire to have an authentic connection with You right now. I need You Lord. Show me the way. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

The Gift of Listening

2010-09-14T22:40:00.000+08:00

This was taken from the online devotional that I read everyday. This one's very inspiring, so I'm posting it ♥
__________________________________________________

"I am praying to you because I know you will answer, O God.
Bend down and listen as I pray." Psalm 17:6

I was reading in bed one night when I heard my husband calling our dog to come get her treat. He was actually luring Chelsea, our thirteen-year-old daschund, to her doggie bed. She was sound asleep in her favorite chair, and nothing was getting her to budge, not even the promise of a treat.

When my kids came to tell me goodnight, I asked if they thought Chelsea had "selective hearing" because she didn't want to go to bed or if she was going deaf. I had a feeling it was the latter. We reminisced and laughed about how Chelsea used to hear every little thing, from the ice maker in our kitchen to the wind blowing a leaf outside our front door.

My son Andrew, who was nine at the time, looked at me with a concerned look in his eyes and said, "Mom, I hope when you get old you don't go deaf like Chelsea."

I laughingly told him it might be good if I can't hear everything when I get as old as Chelsea. She gets a lot more sleep and she's not offended by the doggy jokes we make about her old age.

My light-hearted response didn't wipe the concern off his brow, so I asked why he was afraid I won't be able to hear him. He answered without hesitation, "Well, sometimes you don't hear me now. Like when you're on the computer and I ask you a question. Sometimes you don't hear me."

Ouch! I had no idea my child thought I couldn't hear him. His answer almost plunged me into a bad-mommy moment with flashbacks from all the times I heard him but didn't listen because I was deeply distracted or listening to someone else via email and Facebook.

Instead of defining that moment with guilt, I pulled Andrew close and told him I was sorry for not listening sometimes. I didn't want him to fear aging might make it worse. So I explained how me being on the computer is similar to him watching a good movie or playing video games. He gets so involved that he doesn't hear things, like me calling him for dinner. He smiled because he could now understand my "hearing loss."

Still, I didn't want that to become my excuse. So I told him, "Andrew, I'm going to try really hard to stop what I am doing when you come to me, look away from my computer and really listen to what you're saying. What you have to say matters to me."

Today's key verse reflects our desire for God to hear us. It reminds me that in the same way I go to God because I want Him to listen and answer me, my child and others come to me because they want me to listen to them. When I stop what I am doing and listen, it tells them that they, and what they have to say, are important to me.

In our culture of constant contact through technology, it's easy for our attention to be divided and our focus to shift away from those who are in the room with us. Although we are physically present, often times we are mentally absent. At least I know I am. What about you?

That night God showed me the valuable gift we can give to our children, spouses, friends, co-workers and even strangers. It's the gift of listening. We give it each time we stop what we're doing and turn our full listening attention to them when we they talk to us. And, it's a gift God gives to us each time we talk to Him, too!

Lord, thank You for listening to me. Please help me be a better listener. It's easy to hear with one ear while the other is turned toward my computer, television or cell phone. I want to give the gift of listening because it communicates value those who want me to hear them. Make me aware and willing to push past this habit so that I can be a listener like You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

http://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/encouragement/

A Thankful Heart

2010-09-14T07:07:00.001+08:00

I think it was last year when I started subscribing to this devotional online. It has become a daily habit to read through it before I start working - and surprisingly, it usually "talks" to me in a way that whatever is on my mind, or if my heart feels troubled, the message on this devotional becomes the words that I needed to read.

This one, in particular, continuously allows itself to seep through my mind everyday:

Every time a negative, separating thought comes into your mind today, intentionally combat it with something for which you are thankful about that person.

And indeed, it helps me everyday, when negative thoughts starts to trickle down my ever-vulnerable mind, I know how to kill these thoughts. Simply focus on the good, positive things. And PRAY.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

<3

Is Revenge really SWEET?

2010-09-12T01:00:00.000+08:00

I was browsing through the net and suddenly wondered about an old friend back in highschool. I knew I haven't added her yet on Facebook, so I went ahead and googled her. It did give me results, no Facebook account, but there was a Friendster account under her name (I remember adding her on Friendster - but I already disabled my account).

You know how google shows you a bit of information when you try to search for something? When I looked up my friend's name, it did return some results - and when I checked which links had her profile in it, I was shocked to see her Friendster account having some malicious shoutouts posted in it. I knew it wasn't her with all the accusations and lies on the posts there.

Hatred. Anger. Bitterness. Revenge.

I can imagine how much pain or hurt this person (who hacked her account) must have gone through for her to hack my old friend's Friendster profile. I don't know if any of it is true, but, all I know is that, we don't think straight when we're overly emotional.

Besides, if you think about it, what will you get from taking revenge? Anxiety. Stress. More bitterness. So really, it isn't worth it.

One thing's for sure - we cannot rely on our OWN strength to get through these kinds of situations. Emotions will always be there, we will always face differents kinds at different levels. Never act on it, ride it thru and when you know that you're done riding, close your eyes and pray and talk to God.

It can take just a split second, or hours - but definitely, pray for wisdom and clarity. In a moment, you'll feel at peace and you will finally know what to do.

So before you do anything really stupid - STOP. and PRAY.

Let me love you one day at a time

2010-06-12T04:56:00.001+08:00

This was passed on to me by an officemate -- so beautiful and well written, it captures everything I want to say to my husband. ♥♥♥
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Let me love you one day at a time, and please love me that very same way. We may never learn all there is to know about love, but every day together will teach us a little more about ourselves and the special kind of happiness we can bring to each other. One of the best things you've helped me learn is that love starts with being honest, speaking straight from how we really feel. I like how we've opened doors, and windows of our lives and invited each other to come in, look around and get aquainted. The more I'm with you, the more at home I feel. Let me love you one day at a time.

Why talk about "always" and say things we're not sure we mean, when we can talk about today and mean exactly what we say. Let's think of each sunrise as a fresh start, a brand new beginning... and try to fill each day with as much love as it can hold. I know you're not always going to be exactly the same person Sunday thru Saturday, January thru December, and neither am I. We both need laughing times and crying times... and time for every mood in between. The important thing is that you can be the kind of you that feels most natural and that I can be my most favorite kind of me. That's what makes us so comfortable together... it's also what keeps us from taking too much for granted. Let me love you one day at a time.

Let's not wonder how long love will last but how beautiful we can make it grow. Let's give our best to each other but, let's never expect miracles of our love. There's no need to... the reality of you and me is better than all the impossible dreams and fantasies I've ever imagined. Being with you is feeling proud, blessed, grateful for each hour we share. Let me love you, not according to any how-to-book, or by someone else's set of rules... but simply for who you are and how you are with me. And please love me, not for what I might be molded into, but for what I am here and now. Don't expect me to be someone all good and all giving, someone who could never disappoint you... someone too right to be real and too perfect to be me. I'm just as human as anyone I know... and very thankful that you are too. Let's try to remember that love means keeping in touch with each other's thoughts and feelings... listening not just to words, but to the emotions behind them... seeing, not just the smiles and frowns but the hurt and pleasures that cause them.

Let me love you one day at a time, starting today. Let's have the courage to try to change whatever needs changing about us, and wisdom to know what should never be changed. Believing in ourselves and in our ability to handle whatever tomorrow brings... and trusting that this love we share will continue to grow stronger as the future years unfold... One Beautiful Day At A Time.

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L♥Ve you, baby!

Walking in the What-If Road

2010-06-11T04:24:00.001+08:00

We were having lunch and suddenly, we started talking about relationships. One friend started talking about her hesitations with her new boyfriend, trying to decide if she made the right decision. She kept talking about other possibilities, or what may have been if -- WHAT IFs.

Funny thing is that, I went down that road a few days back and regretted it (a lot). One thing I learned when you start going back to the past is that, it will *NOT* correct anything you did back then. That's one way of saying it clearly, in black and white. Since you can't do anything about it, the only thing that you can do is to simply move on and do better.

I really believe that God, by the time we were conceived, already laid out his plan for us. I've asked once, if this is a fact, what if, we do something that's not according to his plan, how should we proceed?Of course we can't go back to change anything anymore -- you only have to forgive yourself for the wrong decision, work on what you have in the present, and keep moving on. God is good, He will surely be on your side to guide you all througout.

You see, we will never grow up if we keep making the same mistakes. If we keep making the same mistakes, experiencing the same situation, that means that you continue to keep reacting to the situation the same way. Getting out of your comfort zone will allow you more possibilities of doing something better for yourself and for the people around you.

I have promised myself now that, everytime I start thinking about the "What ifs", I'll stop myself, pray and move on forward, fast!

Hay, Life.

2010-06-08T09:31:00.000+08:00

I just learned today that someone I've known before back when I was still in eBay, killed himself last month. This guy was one of those smart-alecky types, and after you talk to them, you know that this person is one intelligent, smart person.

I watched the video he made before he killed himself. Man - I'm speechless. He just decided to stop, he had it with life. He said something about not being able to handle more misery and going through it over and over again. I realized, we all have our own choices to make. Rest in peace, Mike.

And here I am, battling through all my battles, hurting myself a lot of times in the process, and continuing with the battle through and through. And still, here I am. Sometimes, that temptation to just that is so strong, but then again, a voice inside me tells me, NO. I think, really, it's God's grace that's keeping me intact. I would have really freaked out and broken into pieces and have chosen to be just that ... but then again, here I am, facing it with strength and confidence and love.

This is what Faith can do. I walk by faith, not by sight.

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ." Ephesians 3:17b-18 (NIV)

Long Time, No See!

2010-02-15T22:56:00.000+08:00

That's what we usually tell people whom we haven't seen for a long while. I'm referring to this blog which I haven't been able to manage or update for a long, long time.

If only this was accessible at the office or if someone will generously give me a laptop (yes, I don't have a laptop!), I will be able to update this daily at least. As if I have readers, haha!

I can't even remember what the last entry was about - I just went ahead and started writing this entry.

Well, icing on the cake today is that - IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! Nothing special, no surprises (hint to everyone: i love surprises, you see? *roll eyes*), just went thru my day like an ordinary day. My husband (YES, I'm married!), went home to Pampanga the day before so he can spend the day with me today. We went to the mall and watched a movie.

I just realized that for the past few posts, for the past few years, I kept talking about love and heart aches - but never about marriage. Maybe because I had no idea about it, or that I thought it will be easy.

Well I just hit a wall and finally facing the real world.

In a nutshell - Marriage is not easy. Period.

Maybe we're one of the few newlywed couples who learned this very early in the marriage (we'll just turn 2 MONTHS this 18th). I guess, really, one factor is that, you will really need a lot of patience and understanding for each other, else, you'll drive each other crazy. You see, I'm already an ever-so-patient person, the people under my supervision can attest to that, even my colleagues. But, I keep realizing everyday,since I got married, that I need more patience. I can't get everything or anything I want anymore - it's not like before when I was single when, you think of something that you want to do, and then, you do it.

And then I also realized lately that when you're outside, your relationship gets tested a lot - sometimes petty instances, sometimes major issues that you sometimes cannot understand how you'd go through it. the world keeps hurling out different curveballs to you, and it will really matter how you'll try to not be hit by it. If you're not strong enough, or if you do not have enough trust and faith with your other half, it will be very difficult.

Sometimes, when I know I can no longer control the situation, I stop trying to find the reason and just lift up everything to God. It helps my heart. It helps my mind. And best of all, it calms me down and gives me a clearer vision of what I need to do with the situation.

Bottom line is that, couples need to make God the center of their relationship. ALWAYS.

I keep praying for the two of us, that we'll be strong enough to keep away from all the temptations that this world is dishing out on us. Can you imagine that most married couples I know keep saying that the adjustment stage is usually a minimum of 5 years?? WOW!

Love isn't easy as I thought. Marriage is the real world, the battle field.

But then again, isn't it that, the battle is the Lord's?

<3

Coolest Designer Cake!

2009-04-01T20:44:00.000+08:00

CJ and I were on our way to CCF - we were wandering over at Megamall. While walking, I had to do a double-take on this really cool cake because I thought it was a real, authentic LV bag!

I immediately thought of my friend Trish, and how much she'll love this kind of cake. Would you even cut this one?

<3

Aussie Dollars

2009-04-01T20:37:00.000+08:00

My sister has been planning for her trip to Australia since the year started. The day before, she was packing up her stuff, she exchanged her money to Aussie Dollars. It was the first time I saw it and took some pics:

And here's another one:

Wala lang, thought I'd share.

Weekends

2009-03-30T19:42:00.000+08:00

I was born and raised in Pampanga. Don't laugh, but I don't know how to speak Kapampangan. My tatay's an artist and the reason why we're in Pampanga is because he worked in a gallery and painted for his employer. Eventually, my parents built their own business by setting up our own gallery.

So our house is connected to the gallery. This means, our parents were stay at home parents because, simply, they run the business from home. Interesting, huh?

Me and my siblings all work here in Manila. So oftentimes, when we're not too busy, we go home to Pampanga and stay there over the weekend. Most of the time, we'd hitch a ride with Wenna.

Always, it felt like we are going on a long road trip, LOL. We would prepare our clothes, and even go to our favorite stop over - Burger King! We'd buy Mocha Joe(s) and Onion Rings. If we haven't eaten yet, we'd throw in a burger. Yum!

I probably just miss home. We didn't go home this weekend because we had to bring Wenna to the NAIA for her 2-week trip to Australia.

Sigh. I miss my bed. And cable {yup, we don't have cable here!}. And home-cooked meals.

Numbness and Pain .. Part 1

2009-03-17T22:09:00.000+08:00

I just finished reading Breaking Dawn last weekend and had nothing else to read so, I am currently reading this book by Philip Yancey: "Where is God When it Hurts?". Sounds emotional, eh? Just borrowed it from one of my officemates/dgroup sisters, Kate. It's a bit a heavy read because you have to be really alert and awake when reading this.

Being the nerd that I am, I like how the facts were well investigated/researched. On the first part of the book, it talked about how we should be grateful that we can experience pain. Physically, this is the time when our body's screaming at you and telling you to STOP and take a rest. Or change something about your lifestyle. Like when we feel headaches or when we have sudden stomach pains - this should be a wake up call for you, to have yourself checked and see what's actually wrong with your body.

On this book, he also mentioned that some diseases (that I never knew about until I read this book!), the people inflicted by it, never ever experience or feel any pain. Limbs literally fall off because they don't feel that something's wrong with that part of their body and that it's too late for them to have it fixed. It was striking to know too that some become blind because they cannot feel the water that they use when they wash their faces, that there are times when, the water's too hot and they use it to wash their faces. Since they can't feel anything, they don't see the need to close their eyes while waching their faces with scalding water!

It was horrible learning about this - horrible to learn tha this is what our brothers and sisters experience, the ones inflicted with Leprosy. I have always thought that this disease was never about being numb -- what I knew as that, it was CONTAGIOUS. I'm not sure where I got that - I think it came more from the movies/tv shows that I watched when I was a kid.

What do you think about this:

To be able to feel pain, or to be too numb to feel it?

There are still a lot of good stuff in this book that I'm reading, and most definitely, I'll be sharing it with you.

When I run into some really good stuff, I'll just post it here.

See ya!

<3

Humor Me ... GOOGLE me!

2008-10-02T07:36:00.000+08:00

I think it was just a week ago when I learned about some message board where my name was FULLY printed, some person who "flamed" about me. Really, I didn't know how to react, but, at some point, it kinda makes you think that there will always be people who wants to take you down. They don't realize that with that kind of attitude, they will never be successful in any call centers.

Go ahead, look for my name, see how many ungrateful agents we have in our account --

Whine, whine, whine. Complain, complain, complain.

"managing" stress

2008-07-31T04:11:00.001+08:00

As I was reading through my emails, I saw one email about assessing your stress level. I went thru the assessment and after reading through the results, I realized, that I really spend a lot of time meeting other people's priorities and expectations. Here's my results:

And just because this is what's expected of us, managers. I remember from another email sent to me that one of the top reasons why people leave the company is because of their direct supervisors/managers.

If you connect both facts -- the boss(es) are the ones who are giving us all these stuff to do and setting up expectations that are really stunting our (career) growth. Hmmm. What do you think?

Comment naman kayo!

Random Thoughts on a Saturday Nite

2008-07-19T21:51:00.000+08:00

It's a Saturday....

...and I'm here at work. I got used to going home on Saturday mornings and then sleeping and lazing around all day that I'm longing for it. Not that I can't do that anymore when I go home, hehe. Just that -- there aren't any people here! There's no one to support, plus, I'm almost done with my deliverables. Hmm.

It was, however, a very productive week. I was working almost 10-13 hours here at the office (no OT!), just trying to catch up with my deliverables. I've caught up. And have juggled other stuff at the same time. Sometimes, I think about what I'm doing and think if this is what I really want to do. I like being busy, I guess.

I have been trying to log in to our remote server for almost 2 hours now -- ARGGGGGHHH!!! And to add to that, my system so slow! Hay naku. Lemme get some coffee na nga muna!!

GRRRRR.

adik.

2008-07-16T11:21:00.000+08:00

i have been awake since... well, yesterday. i don't remember drinking any coffee. or munching anything with caffeine. nagulat nalang ako, 11:30AM na halos. why am I still awake?

was away from the office for almost a week and i guess after all that katamaran that I did:

1. watched TV literally ALL day;
2. while watching tv all day, i'm lying on our very comfy sofa
3. while watching tv all day, i'm lying on our very comfy sofa, i sometimes fall asleep and so I finally take short naps.

i did that the whole day of Sunday. i even saw the commercial on ABS-CBN that they'll be showing "Kidnap" the documentary about Ces Drilon's kidnapping. It was after TV Patrol and just imagine how late that was. By time they were talking about world news, my eyes were drooping and I was ready to sleep -- AGAIN!

and so that's how i spent my weekend. by Tuesday, i already missed the office and was ready to finish the stuff I needed to do. i guess that's what I needed -- just time off from work and i'm back with a bit of a spring on my step.

hmmm. i even told my manager that i might just stay til the end of the year. i told her, "Ask me again by January." (she was asking if I was still thinking of leaving IBM).

after that, i was on a roll, doing my stuff, finishing a lot of things. PRODUCTIVE. wow. I'm usually just productive at the end of the month, hehe. guess i'm back. i hope this isn't just a phase.

so there. matutulog na ako dahil may pasok pa ako ng 8pm.

Zzzzzz...

postscript: i will definitely ask the girls to watch Mama Mia this weekend!

07/25/2008
6:30AM

Just thought I'd talk about Mama Mia (really quickly!) and rave about it -- I LOVE IT! Bring your mom when you watch it -- if you can't, bring your girlfriends with you. You'll find yourself singing "Thank you for the Music" or "Dancing Queen" or simply be amazed with Merryll Streep as she's so youthful and beautiful! Pierce Brosnan is still as handsome and charming too!

I love the part when Merryl sang: "Winner Takes It All..." -- whew! Mindblowing!

WATCH IT!!

Missing In Action

2008-07-14T21:10:00.000+08:00

I haven't been in the office for almost a week now. Not that I wasn't coming in, but because of some adjustments made because of a seminar that I had to attend to last Thursday and Friday.

Here's how hellish my week was:

7/7 -- I experienced some leg cramps the night we flew back to Manila from Bora, because of this, I barely can stand so I called in sick.

7/8 -- Because we had this scheduled meeting, just the DMs/AMs with our OM, Alyce, I had to go to the office at 7am. I also came in at 6pm that night for an early shift, only to find out that it was Recognition Rites for 2008 Top Talents. Talk about busy! Of course I have to spend the rest of the shift working and catching up with my audits. I didn't even have the time to talk to my team and catch up with them. Sigh. Was on a time limit bec I had to come in early at 3pm.

7/9 -- Came in before 3pm because I was too sleepy the other night. I arranged my shift to be like this because I had to go to the seminar the next day at 8am. Naturally I was really awake the early parts of the shift. Around 11pm, I was drifting off, falling asleep on my desk. Oh well.

7/10 - 7/11 --Diversity Learning Seminar over at Club Filipino, Greenhills. Thought we'd be late but came in on time. Facilitated by Lorraine Toucouni from Australia. Very interesting discussion. Helped me realize that I still really need to try to understand my agents, especially the difficult ones.

After 7/11, I take my weekly off, including my new weekly offs, Sunday and Monday. So medyo napahaba talaga. Not that I miss work --I'm more worried about a full mailbox, the backlog of work waiting and the admin stuff that I need to do.

Hay hay hay. Hirap pag MIA.

Not too late for the Beach

2008-07-04T23:08:00.000+08:00

I was deprived of doing anything for a year because I have to pay for some investment that I made mid-year last year. I have been longing for a vacation outside the metro - our dates consisted of a quick dinner, coffee and a movie. And the usual malling.

And we heard about the Sea Air promos to Bora - and we booked a flight right away. Some old friends in PeopleSupport heard about it too and they jumped right in and joined us.

We're off to BORA tomorrow, WEEEEE! Please help us pray for a safe trip and excellent sunny weather -- we'd appreciate it :)

"All my bags are packed... "

More thoughts ...

2008-07-03T11:03:00.000+08:00

I realized that I have kept this blog for a few years now. Hmm. It's so me that I am all over the place - one blog in Friendster and another one here. I bet if I open a Multiply account, I'd start writing there too. I even started posting some thoughts on my Facebook account.

Is this a sign? Of boredom? Of restlessness?

Hmmm.

whiff of inspiration

2008-07-03T10:20:00.000+08:00

Just recently, one of our old family friends added me on Friendster. I was a bit surprised because I realized, she's no longer a kid and that she too, is already an adult, living her own life.

She was the cutest thing back then - one vivid memory that I have of her was back in our old church in Friendship and it was communion time. The priest was about to break bread (hostia, the big one), everybody was kneeling and had their eyes closed when suddenly, you hear a little girl saying:

"Ang takaw!"

Hahahaha. We were trying our hardest not to laugh. I think the neighborhood kids back then were up front too, us being the choir back then.

While growing up and leading our teenager lives, I have always seen her as the quiet one. Anyway, I stumbled upon her blog while checking out her profile. I got hooked reading about her life. Ang daldal pala ng batang to! And just like Tita Jo, she got her wits and humor from her mom.

In short, I got hooked to her writing. And of course there's this sisterly pride that you get that you would want to say,

"Kalaro namin si Nang dati! Kami pa nun mga ate nya at lagi syang saling pusa sa mga laro namin! "

Thus, the whiff of inspiration - after reading everything on her blog (Yes, Nang, binasa ko lahat!), I wanted to write my thoughts again the way she does.

Think.Think.Think.What else will I write today.

Hmmmm.

Pol's Birthday Weekend and Other stuff

2007-12-03T01:24:00.000+08:00

Just got back from Pampanga and realized how much I miss home. It's colder there now and that's the only place where I can sleep really long hours. On my own bed. That's one thing that I can't do anymore these days. Especially that we're busier these days -- December and all.

It seems that my hands are getting fuller and fuller every minute that I don't get to go home that much anymore. I miss our house. I miss my room. I miss my tatay and my mama. I won't be able to go home again this weekend because me and Pol, with some other friends from PeopleSupport, will be watching Vertical Horizon on the 7th, then we'll have the company Christmas party on the 8th. Whew. Talk about BUSY.

Prior to this weekend, I was a bit busy as well. Last weekend was Pol's birthday and we went to Divisoria via the Pasig Ferry. We took a lot of pictures that day as we promised ourselves that we'll enjoy the trip. And we did. All my life, I always thought that anywhere the river will smell really bad. And if you take the boat, then that would mean that you're closer to the stinky river and it would be suffocating. NOT! The ferry ride was an experience! There isn't much view while on the ride because you'll see a lot of old boats parked along the banks, or people from the squatter's areas sitting by the river, or kids playing on the murky water.

When we got in (we took the Hulo station since it was near our place), I was surprised that it was much more like Superferry's Supercat with plastic seats, good air conditioning plus a flat screen tv up front! And I was surprised to see a lot of guards and SWAT agents (?) hovering all over the place. The ferry was packed.

Pol was asking me to go outside once the ferry started moving, but I was hesitant (as I described earlier, was thinking na MABANTOT SA LABAS!). But after observing the people, I saw a lot of people going outside. It was a nice day out too, the sun wasn't glaring and a bit windy. So we went outside the front of the ferry. Unbelievable experience, ladies and gents! The wind was on my face and it wasn't smelly at all! So the whole trip, we took pictures, enjoyed each other's company until we reached the Malacanang area where everyone needs to be inside the ferry (security measures I guess).

So if you're thinking of going to Divisoria, the best way to go is via the Ferry. Just buy a ticket to Escolta and once you reach Escolta, ride the jeep going to Divisoria. That jeep will pass by Binondo too. Of course if you go these days, it will really be BUSY, pero kung pasaway ka talaga, there's one leaving everyday at 6am.

Now after we went home from our Divisoria trip, we were so tired (I didn't sleep yet that day - after I went home from work, I got ready for the ferry trip right away). But the day wasn't over yet. I didn't want us (me and Pol) to sleep through midnight because I wanted to be the one to greet him first.

It was a blessing that Wenna, my sister, got us some tickets to the Gary V. concert over at CCF, St. Francis Square. It was one my treats to Pol too :). So we rested for at least 15 minutes and got ready again to go. Aileen, my other sister was already waiting for us so we got ready to go to the concert.

Again, an exhilirating experience - Gary was still himself, but this time, he became an inspiration to me too -- he's one survivor truly blessed by God. He's a magnificent example of how God works and how we all have a purpose in this life.

Ended that day with a really heavy dinner at Super Bowl - Pol was still a bit shy around my sisters, but he's comfortable. I was already greeting him Happy Birthday all throughout the day.

By that time, already almost midnight, we were all too tired to go anywhere. The energy's there, but the body's too tired already. So we headed home.

I gave Pol a really tight hug and wished him again, for the nth time, a Happy Birthday.

Not really Insomnia

2007-10-23T16:22:00.000+08:00

I was again transferred to the night shift just last month and I am still adjusting to my schedule. I forgot how hard it is to sleep during the day - 6 months of almost in the morning shift and then they suddenly transfer you to the opposite schedule that they can think of. Sigh.

To be honest, this is the only call center that I know (well, everyone knows it's my 3rd call center, if YOU have been reading my posts, hehe) who makes a lot of changes to the schedule and the only one who sends the schedule EVERY WEEK. We live in the fear that next week, we may have a different schedule altogether. Really. Seriously.

From 530am-3pm, I was transferred to the 9am-630pm schedule then on the next week, my team and I got transferred to the 8pm-530am shift. Argh.

YES. I have a shift later and I'm already awake. I slept at around 11am today and awake now at 4 in the afternoon. The apartment next door is being fixed by the carpenters and they have been hammering away since this morning. I texted the landlord to see if they can stop the noise as I am trying to sleep and they did. Only for me to wake up after a few hours coz they started again.

Went out, didn't even brush my hair nor left my pillow, only to ask if they can stop it, and they said they can't because they have to finish it right away. They were removing the tiles of the sink that's why it's so friggin noisy - it's like they brought a whole slew of trucks over this small apartment where they're bulldozing everything. Grrrr. Better yet, imagine a construction worker using a jackhammer. I wanted to scream at them!!

Me being the understanding person, I just said,

"Okay po... sana po matapos na agad, di ako makatulog po eh. May pasok pa po ako mamayang gabi."

My goal was to make them guilty about it. Hoping that they'll have pity and STOP. That was around 30 minutes ago. They're still at it. !@#$%!!!!

I wanna sleep. When you're on this kind of job (call centers), small joys like SLEEPING is the best gift that you can give to yourself every-friggin-day.

Pano pa ako magiging productive mamyang gabi kung wala akong tulog?? (charing!!)

ZZzzzzzzzz.....

kami na!

2007-10-22T03:16:00.001+08:00

To be really honest, we still are on the adjusting stage. Sometimes we'd look at each other and cannot believe that we're together- FINALLY. After all this time. What we have now is 5 years in the making. He's my bestfriend eversince I started working here in Manila, and we were inseparable eversince. I know every ups and downs that he went through, even his past relationships for the last 5 years. It was a struggle for us, because we knew, back then, that there was 'something' and we both keep denying that fact.

Fate?I guess. It was difficult the first few months as I felt so insecure of everything. Especially that our friends didn't know about it yet. Whent he time came when he himself told our friends about us, everything came to a reality. Everyone's happy for us. The girls even said that I gave them "hope". Hahaha.

Yes- he's been the topic on this blog for a few years now. And now, kami na.

Kami na talaga.

Ang tadhana nga naman!

thoughts @ 2am

2007-10-19T02:50:00.000+08:00

I sometimes am the type of person who worries a lot and overanalyze over the littlest things. Sometimes it's a necessity because our job requires it - we handle different types of people and we're expected to see "growth" while they're under our supervision. It's a difficult job.

And it *is* very stressful. A few years ago, I see this job as a way of socializing, meeting new people, learning new things. Everything felt new back then - I was getting used to being outside every single day. It was nothing, I enjoyed every second. It felt like I was just playing, while getting paid for it.

After 8 years of doing this job, it now a different story. I have climbed up since then, felt the same way, but eventually felt how difficult it is to be looked up to and be expected a lot from. It's even more difficult when you don't have your friends around to keep you stapled to the ground.

It's my 3rd call center. I am grateful that I have a job, and I am happy with all the experiences that I continue to gain the longer I stay here. But everything just gets so damn monotonous! There are days when you practically drag yourself from your bed, to the bathroom, to the office. When you're at your desk, you just stare at the monitor til you find yourself dozing off while your eyes are still wide open. And then you do your stuff and you zone out again from what you're doing and it's another cycle of staring at the monitor, yawning in between and wondering if you'll get glaucoma from staring too much on the monitor.

Work's no longer fun like it used to be. I definitely agree that fun should come from what kind of team you mold, but, can you blame me? I'm just too tired - no recognition for all the work, no vacation (pahipan naman kasi mag file ng VL!), no "good job!" for all the the effort and passion you put into the job.

I am now the monotonous office worker who wakes up at 6pm, gets ready for work, goes to work, "work",then goes home again to sleep. Boring, boring, boring. I don't even get to talk to my bro and sisters anymore. The ony social time that I have is when I'm with Pol (thank God!).

Sigh. I really think I need a vacation. We're planning to go to Bohol then Cebu on the 1st week of December. Baguio by November (for Pol's bday). Can't wait.

Back to work.

Sigh.

In a blur...

2007-04-01T02:05:00.000+08:00

I am sad. I am hurt. I am trying to move on.

It has been my struggle for the past few months- trying to come to a decision and see what will be good for me. You see, I fell in love so bad, didn't realize that it was pulling me down to the point that I no longer know what I'm doing. All I ever think about was to make him happy. Or to make sure that I put a smile on his face. Or to make sure that he doesn't feel lonely.

I did realize from time to time that this is no longer healthy for me - to be just focused on making the other person happy. I saw myself questioning everything that I'm doing and asking myself if everything was worth it. The answer was always NO, my mind was screaming NO, yet, my heart wanted to be with him. It went on and on.

I *am* happy when I'm with him, but he never made me feel appreciated or loved or made me feel that he deserved everything that I'm doing for him. Maybe he did, but he never told me how he felt for me. Everything was a blur.

I miss him, so bad. And yet, I know I have to stay away from him so we can both think clearly - and so he will know what he really wants.

Should stop now before I get too emotional.

*sigh*

I hope I make it.

Let's Get it On!

2007-03-05T11:30:00.000+08:00

I feel like I'm in showbiz. And the issues that are happening in my (work) life will be shown on today's Chika Minute.

This isn't even an apology or an effort to explain myself.

Recently, I learned that some people has been telling lies about me and how I work. And the bad thing is, one of the people who I have always (tried) defending when people talk about her, lashed out on me as if like I am some stranger to her.

I am not afraid of these lies. Deep inside, I know that everything that happened the past months was an effort on my part to ensure that everything will go smoothly. I wilingly took responsibility of taking care of 46 agents since October of last year, until another supervisor was hired. It's only natural that I complain a bit, but despite my own complaints and the discomfort of having to spend all of my team at the office to catch up on all of my work, I went through this challenge with all confidence that I can muster. I always remind myself, that all the hardwork will pay off in time.

I guess some people don't see that - they only see themselves and their own successes. I always remember what our CEO told us on one meeting:

"Strategy without execution is hallucination. Execution without strategy is mindless activity."

I always remind myself that - they may find that the changes that is happening to their so-called "careers' is too big a change, but if these changes are for their own good, why should they react oh-so-violently against it?Only shows that they're not flexible and can't go out of their little comfort zones.

I am pissed. Super. Pissed.

I have treated them with utmost respect and this is what I get back in return. I can always give up, but I'm not that kind of person. I have principles and they're my guns. I have always been professional ever since I started working. (7 years of experience at that!). This is what my parents has taught me. This is who I am.

Like I always say, I will never look down on anybody unless I'm helping them up.

This little clip will go Live on the Buzz this Sunday. haha.

Ahhhh.. that crappy line that says: "This too shall pass" is so true!

For the meantime -- go on, keep lashing - what good will it give you? I say, let's get it on!

----------------

March 6, 2006

After talking to a lot of people about what's happening, I realized that, I have nothing to be afraid of (I wasn't afraid naman in the first place!), because I know that I have nothing to lose. Unlike other people, it's not my thing to step down - my parents taught me how to be patient and how to be mature about these things.

I am still pissed. But besides that, mostly dissappointed with the people. I did my best not to judge them - being a team lead, I have made it a point to always think positively of people who will be joining the team. Every person has something to offer, and that is the best way to create a good relationship with everyone. And then this happened.

I just decided to leave it all be-- just like what joan has commented below, deadma nalang. I won't worry anymore about it - life's too short. Papanget lang ako. Sabi nga nung isang kanta:

"I won't worry my life away..."

All I know is I am doing my job and I'm not stepping on other people's toes and I have always been honest with what I do.

bow.

----------------

Shooting....loops.

2006-10-05T12:19:00.000+08:00

I am in that loop again. I realized how vulnerable I was – I can easily turn off how I feel and then all in one split second, I’m back in that situation. I guess I haven’t really totally moved on. I still feel so strongly for him.

A few weeks back I would be totally in control of how I feel. I don’t know if it’s my fault because I keep spending time with him. Thinking back, it can be totally our fault – we like spending time with each other, talking and hanging out, and this is the consequence.

What hurts most is that all of this is happening and he doesn’t do anything to talk about it. I don’t know what’s worse – him not talking about it or pretending that nothing’s happening. That all of this is nothing for him. I know him enough to know that he’s just not the kind who talks about these things easily, that’s probably why I’m still waiting for him to talk about him and me. IF there is anything to talk about at all.

I don’t want to initiate any talk about it. I guess both of us are pretty scared of losing each other. I remember being at this precise situation back then, with him. How funny.

I go crazy sometimes thinking that it’ll never work out between us – he’s engaged and he obviously loves her. He’s not the kind to take advantage of me – so what’s the explanation for the time he’s investing in me? What’s the reason for the hugging, the holding of hands, the taking care of me when I was sick, sleeping beside each other…?

I have a feeling that these questions will never be answered. Unless I do something about it. I guess I’m not just not ready to lose him. I know, deep in my heart, that when I talk about all of this to him, I’ll be losing him forever.

What’s more difficult – losing him forever or just wondering what is it between the two of us?

I toldya I was on a loop.

Can I just say that shit happens?

K-I-S-S .... mwah!

2006-08-27T19:11:00.000+08:00

All day it went on and on.

It's like when you're craving for chocolate - you know exactly what it tastes like. When it's really bad, you will know exactly what kind of chocolate you want to taste in your mouth.

I was trying to listen to someone talking but thoughts of kissing continue to come up in my mind. I'm not even talking about someone special, just that, I wanted to feel someone's lips on mine. My daydream was so vivid that I can just smell the other person's skin because my face was just an inch close to his face. I can imagine, after a few drinks and we would be sitting somewhere, elbows rubbing together and I just casually ask,

"Can I kiss you?"

And he would just smile and oblige. It would be the best, exciting, mind-blowing kiss ever. It wouldn't even lead to something really heavy, you know? Just sweet, old-fashioned kissing.

Craving cured.

The daydream just kept goin on and on in my head.

I don't even know why.

Going in Circles

2006-06-26T09:20:00.000+08:00

Just waiting for mom to get ready -- I'm again about to go back to Manila to work. Just another manic Monday.

I am unsure what my facination is with circles or dots or anything round. When I doodle, I usually start off with circles and from there, I just let my pen draw by itself. And when I'm checking out really colorful designs at the mall -- say I'm at the part of the department store where they have things for the house? Usually they have really colorful place mats there with modern, abstract designs. Guess what kind of design I first pick? The one with dots, swirls, curves and curlycues.

Just random thoughts. Mom's here. Finally.

The day you went away...

2006-06-02T09:25:00.000+08:00

I sometimes think about me and think about what I have become after everything that’s happened to me. I guess there are days when you really feel down and alone and scared. When I have these feelings, I imagine myself walking on the beach alone, just enjoying the wind and the sand on my feet. Trying my best to look that I am enjoying what I’m doing, but deep down, I’m broken into pieces.

Argh. I don’t want to get back to that old drama-queen me. I become like this when I feel isolated and alone and lonely. I do some self-pitying here and there until I get to realize that it’s not really worth thinking this way. Is it a stage? I’m not really sure – but it’s been a long time since I felt this … alone-ness.

Maybe I’m tired. I’ve never rested ever since I graduated from college. I studied the board, took the board, didn’t pass it, looked for a job and after a month of looking, I got me my first job in my first call center. 3 years in there and I transferred to another call center in Makati where I only rested for the weekend and started working on a Monday. Same old story where I’m working now. Does this mean I’m a workaholic? I don’t think I am.

The other day I found myself playing music too loudly than usual – I wanted to drown myself with the music because I really felt so sad. A lot of things were going through my head that day and I can’t just couldn’t take it and deal with it … so I played really loud. It helped a bit really … plus, I get to focus on my work by drowning my worries with music and my busy-ness.

What’s bugging me, you ask? I realized lately that I’m still trying desperately to hold on to something that isn’t there anymore. It hurt a lot (when I realized it again, for the Nth-f*ckin time!), knowing that despite the fact that he is comfortable and (hopefully) happy while we’re together, he’s into someone else. Despite the hugs and time together, I finally realized that it’s time to just leave it. What really made me sad is that I knew that this time, this is really IT. I have finally freed myself from him. I love him, but he can’t keep making me feel like he doesn’t know that I love him very much. I really do, but if his heart is somewhere else, then, I have to find my own happiness too. To just let him live how he wants to live and that I moved on like I should have years ago.

It’s really sad to think about it. It’s bad that I kept hoping all these years, that someday, he’ll realize that it’s really me he loves among the others who came into his life… but I guess I’m just delusional. One day, I’ll find someone who will really love me like crazy. Heal my wounds by loving me as I deserve to be loved. No more bullshit words of love that didn’t come from the heart.

Really, I’m hopeful. Sad that I will have to live my life without him to think of… but then again, if he has plans for someone else, why can’t I plan for mine? I don’t think ‘being friends’ will ever work between us. I will continue hoping if I keep spending time with him. So it’s time.

It took me almost 3 years to realize this? I should’ve known. That day he left me in the airport, I should’ve already moved on for good. Well, life has full of regrets. And we learn the hard way.

DE-stressing.

2005-10-31T13:14:00.000+08:00

It has been weeks since I have been stressed out -- job is easy, yet, there's a lot of stress that comes with it. Little things like worrying about a particular agent's attendance or why he always comes in late or what needs to be done with particular situations only the supes think about.

Baby, you just think that we're not doing anything but admin work, go to meetings, roll out new policies-- it ain't easy coping with the stress that goes with it. For months, I really felt so old. (i AM old, but i feel older!)

And not only that-- there are other personal things. Besides worrying about myself, I have to worry about my sister, who I live with, who seems to be not home most of the time. We don't see each other much these days, so what she does with her life, I don't know anymore. And it frightens me sometimes with the decisions she make for herself, knowing in my mind that she's still young.

Funny, I'm acting like my mom. Can't blame me, I'm supposed to be the "ate" (older sister) who's supposed to be looking after her. I am, the eldest you know. And she, the youngest of the brood. I *should* be looking after her.

A friend told me to just leave her alone and let her live her life -- but then again, how will she know if she's doing the right thing if the she can't even listen to family who's worrying about her? Imagine going home alone every single day and she, not finding the time (or finding a way) to talk or spend time with me.

And this reminds me -- more and more, I keep spending time alone. I go home with no one to talk to, so I just sleep. Then I wake up, still alone, get ready for work, walk a bit to Barancca Drive and ride the taxi, arrive at the office and start working.

AND, by the way. I also worry about my LOVE LIFE. If you call it that.

Argh. It's not that I'm complaining, but ....

Haaaaaay.

(What a life! What a loner! )

See? STRESS!

Everyday, I keep worrying about the same things over and over again, with only a few really close friends to tell my woes to and sometimes even deciding to just keep it all to myself.
If I was a glass, I can be spilling out water now -- too overwhelmed and tired with all this to even try to pour out the unnecessary water.

So -- the idea of a vacation was becoming more and more vivid with everything that's going on with my so-called life. I daydreamed a lot about where to go (with my limited funds!) -- will it be Cebu? (So I can visit my friends there) or Boracay? (If I choose to go there, I can't just go alone?) or Baguio? (Will Pryor go with me?) or should I go some place where I haven't gone to yet?

And I learned that Abby was also interested in going somewhere. We started planning --and decided that we go to a beach. The idea of stargazing, listening to the waves, playing with water and snorkeling was enough to get us excited. We decided to go to LaLuz.

I filed for a 7-day vacation, but if you count my restdays, it's a 10-day vacation! Über-excited with just the idea of what to do with my vacation, it kept me motivated to keep worrying about things and thinking about where else to go.

Things got *really* crazy after that.

the possibilities of us.

2005-10-21T00:48:00.000+08:00

A friend and me were talking the other night and I told her about a dream I had:

"All of our friends were at a bar, and he was there. I was sitting on a stool, he was standing beside me, leaning on my right thigh. Everyone was dancing to the music, the place was jampacked. But we had our own world-- he was just looking at me, like I'm the only person he can see. And he moved his face closer to mine... and then we started kissing..."

and then I woke up.

And she asked: "Is that it?"

I said: "Yeah, I'm too tired to do anything or make any move."

"So pababayaan mo na lang na ganyan? Sabagay, ganon na lang nga siguro dapat. no expectations na lang.. para less hurt."

"I dont want to make the move again -- if it'll be coming from him, sure, mas maganda, at least alam ko na sure na sya nun. Pero kung ako lang, I'm sure it'll be another one way street, so hahayaan ko nalang. Nakakapagod din eh, yung di na-aappreciate lahat ng ginagawa mo, diba?"

All signs show that there MAY be a possibility of us, but the truth is...

there isn't any possibility.

in big, bold, red (whoops, orange!) letters.

*sigh*

Waiting Game

2005-09-27T07:15:00.000+08:00

I was ranting about how we usually pour our hearts out into loving someone so bad and not getting anything in return and Shaui said this, through a testimonial:

It's so hard to find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot.
Who calls you back when you hang up on him.
Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead.
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.
Who holds your hand in front of his friends.
Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of
how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

So very true. Where is this guy?

melancholia can drive you nuts!

2005-03-14T00:33:00.000+08:00

I just went home from work that night and I was able to watch Friends on cable. It was that episode about Ross getting married to Emily in London and they were spending some time writing out invitations to their guests, on their Wedding day.

There was this scene when Ross was writing Rachel's name on the envelope and then he handed it to Emily. Then Emily said something about everything being 'awkward' in case she'll be there. Ross just replied and said that she's been a good friend and that she should be invited. When that time came when Ross was about to drop the invite to the mailbox, he suddenly had these flashbacks about their times together. He thought about how much he loved her.

Then this scene when the group was all at Monica's apartment, Phoebe, Monica, Chandler and Joey. They all got their invites that day and they were thinking about how they would keep the invites from Rachel, to save her from the heartache. In comes Rachel and she sorted through her mail. She pulled out what seems to be an invite and everyone was uncomfortable about it, saying that they should have kept the invites from the apartment. Rachel said,

"Oh, an invitation on Ross' wedding day."

Everyone was curious if she was going or not. Then another scene on that coffee shop, Rachel contemplating if she should go to the wedding or not.... then she remembers ALL the good times they had together, realizing that she too, still loves him.

After all those flashbacks, she said loudly: "No, I won't be going to the wedding." Then she checked the NO option on the RSVP card and sent it out.

As I watched Friends, I cried for myself. His face suddenly popped up in my mind and thought, what if, he gets married before me? Will I be able to take it? The thought of that just drives me crazy. It's bull to say that "If you really love someone, set him free...", no matter how you put it, it'll definitely hurt a lot. I mean, sure, if he has this girlfriend now, it's okay because there *is* still a possibility that they'll break up. It's not even about 'egos' or something. It's all about feelings. Maybe, if he'll get married, it's best that he's somewhere else or that I don't learn about it. I'll continue living my life and not think about how much I loved (and still love?) him. Those memories that are so special that it breaks my heart thinking about how it didn't work out.

Sigh. I have too many questions in my mind that has no answers to them. Nobody has the answers. I'd like to say that actions do speak louder than words.

I don't know what to do, really. I don't even know if I'm waiting for him, still. I don't know why I act like that around him. I just don't.

I'm clueless.

daydream

2004-08-08T12:46:00.000+08:00

I imagine myself in a big, grassy playground. Just staring at the sky, waiting for rain or for the sunset, whichever comes first. Thinking deeply and inhaling the fresh sweet scent of the late afternoon. Can hear some children laughing at the other side of the playground, cries of joy for their first swing, scared screams on their first climb to the slides.

I miss being free and innocent. Look at those children-- they're free, they don't worry about anything, they have no pretentions, they have no heartaches. They live each day with such zest and vigor that you wonder where they get all that energy. And we adults sometimes dread each sunset, knowing that we're left to live another day with the same worries that we had the previous day.

While sitting there, just watching the people, a memory crossed my mind. There was a time in my life that the dark comforted me. The dark and (literally) loud music. Me just singing my heart out and dancing like no one's watching. It soothes my soul. It just dawned on me that I never do that anymore.

And it hit me. There are other things that I enjoy so much that I don't do anymore! Paint. Write poems. Walk in the mornings with tatay. Sing my heart our. Learning new things. Play with the dog. Read old copies of Reader's Digest (remember Word Power?hehe). Listen to old albums/ records. Hang out at the kubo. Read old journals. (Come to think of it... so many things to do!! )
We often say that we don't do those things anymore because we're so busy. And I'm not even busy! I keep bitching about my job not being too challenging and yet, I don't have time to do what I used to do before. I wonder why?

Maybe this time I'll find the time.

I sit back and held my head back to enjoy the last blast of sunshine on my face. Warm sunshine reminds me of the tingly feeling I get whenever ... Never mind. I look up and then I saw this one lonely star. Automatically I chanted:

"Starlight, starbright first star I see tonight;I wish I may, I wish I might;Have the wish I wish tonight"

And I smiled. Silly ol' childhood memories came flooding back. Afternoons of playing patintero or riding the bike around the village til the first star comes up and me and my friends start to chant that very same chant.

Memories. Sometimes, it helps us go through life. Life is good.

I need a pray-over. Haha.

"Every day I seem to lose you more..."

2004-06-12T20:26:00.000+08:00

Having a hard time sleeping these days. I don't know if this is guilt that's bugging me. Here I am, working the GY shift, only on my first hour and I'm already thinking of you. Again. I cannot help but remember all the memories. And now this song's playing -- a song that you told me reminded you of me. Sigh.

And then there's another song.... and another. Can't it stop? Sigh. I keep wondering if you ever still think of me? Or even think of the things that we shared? Do you think, some people have a hard time coping with a loss of someone that they love, that person suddenly seem lost?
I feel in control-- and yet, when I look at myself now, it's no longer my old me. I used to be happy. I was happy being inlove with you. I was happy because I know that you felt the same way for me. I will never know if you really were. I miss our times together. Our talks and dreams. Your special hugs and kisses for me.

My heart still cries out for you. But you no longer listen.

Lie Low

2004-05-26T18:30:00.000+08:00

"Did you ever care about me?
I remember the time
You looked in my eyes and promised
We'd stay together
Our love would grow stronger
The storms we have weathered
Wouldn't last any longerIt could've been so good
But there was something else for me "

"Lie Low" -Plumb

*Sigh*

sweet, sad memory...

2004-01-01T16:30:00.000+08:00

i was riding the MRT* this afternoon and watched the commuters. i happen to chance upon a couple, the guy had his arm over his girl and the girl's head between that grove on the guy's head and shoulder-- she was breathing thru his neck.

i felt like crying while looking at them. it reminded me of you. how you put your arms around me that way, and how i usually close my eyes and breathe thru your neck. it reminded me of that time when we rode the LRT**. it was too full that we both crammed ourselves in. I stood beside you and had to put my right arm around your waist for balance. You put your other arm over my shoulder for balance too, and i had the shivers. After a few minutes, you held me closer, almost hugging me close. It felt so right, so natural. If people were watching us, they'd be so envious because we looked so sweet, smiling at each other, hugging-- we looked like we really loved each other very much. I felt so happy and giddy and loved.

and so i cried while watching that couple. only memories. sweet, sad memories. of you and me.

*MRT-- Metro Rail Transit. Medium of transportation in Manila, Philippines
**LRT -- Light Rail Transit